


Mushrooms, death, and meow.

by Bigdaddyjotaro



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga), 文豪ストレイドッグス | Bungou Stray Dogs
Genre: Alive L (Death Note), Bee Movie References, Bottom Nakahara Chuuya (Bungou Stray Dogs), Bottom Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Car Accidents, Coming Out, Crack, Cults, Drug Use, Furry, Gay, Jokes, M/M, Mentioned Donald Trump, Soukoku | Double Black (Bungou Stray Dogs), Twitter, hell is hot but I’m hotter, shin soukoku
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:20:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28199040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bigdaddyjotaro/pseuds/Bigdaddyjotaro
Summary: This is not a joke. Take this fic very seriously or you will die. (😩)Dazai eats hallucinogens, Akutagawa comes out, and Kenji is stuck in the fucking sewers. Brief appearance of God.
Relationships: Akutagawa Ryuunosuke/Nakajima Atsushi (Bungou Stray Dogs), Dazai Osamu/Nakahara Chuuya (Bungou Stray Dogs), Ryuk & Yagami Light
Comments: 12
Kudos: 62





	Mushrooms, death, and meow.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [REMBENERME321](https://archiveofourown.org/users/REMBENERME321/gifts).



> The Kenji part is based off tiktok user ranpos_wife_ ‘s post about Kenji being stuck in the sewers and many other things 😞
> 
> This is dedicated to REMBENERME321 because in short, I love you. Marry me. (Jkjk) but your comments are always funny and I luv your fics 😩 You probably don’t know who these characters are but don’t worry, they’re just all gay and that’s like the only context you need if you read this

Kunikida looked up and frowned, and with a deep set sigh he slowly looked back down. Dazai was high. High as hell. Higher than his grades in high school. Higher than he had been when Ranpo made him try his brownies. Higher than when he had to climb the skyscraper to stop the bandaged idiot from killing himself. 

“Kuuuunikida-Kun😩😩” Dazai said, rolling on the floor. 

“What is it now?” Kunikida asked, taking off his MAGA hat and placing it gently on his desk next to his picture of Donald J. Trump. 

“According to all known laws of aviation,nthere is no way a bee should be able to fly,” Dazai started, sniffling as he started to eat more mushrooms from the bottom of the floor. “Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground...” He stated, bawling as he stood up. “THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY KUNIKIDA!!” He finished, shaking his head solemnly.

Kunikida shot a look at Atsushi, who was standing in the corner of the room after Dazai tried to eat his bangs, who in return shrugged. Then his phone rang. “Yes?” He asked, leaving the room. 

“It’s me Kenji!!” A distant voice called from the phone. Kunikida noticed the sound of water in the background. “It took me forever to figure out how to use this thing Mr. Kunikida. But I have a problem...” 

“Which is?” Kunikida asked. 

“I’m stuck in the sewers.” Kenji stated anxiously, scratching the back of his head. 

“Which sewer?!” Kunikida asked. 

“I dunno. One of them.” Kenji replied. 

“Okay then, I’ll try to find you.” Kunikida stated, hanging up and leaving the office. 

Atsushi was scrolling through black Twitter as Dazai was trying to eat Ranpo and raised an eyebrow when he got a notification Twitter user @Dazaiplsnoticeme posted. 

His heart stopped when he read what Akutagawa had written. 

“That’s it. I’m coming out as a gay furry. If you don’t support me I’ll kill you.” He read out loud. Then Atsushi got rock hard and had to leave to find Akutagawa. 

As Atsushi left Ranpo got a sudden call. After pushing off Dazai, who was still trying to eat his foot, he answered the phone. “Yes?” He asked. 

“Hey Ranpo... it’s Kenji! I had to call and tell you Kunikida got me out of the sewer and then we accidentally ran over your cool emo boyfriend... Kunikida is giving him mouth to mouth so you might want to come quick because I don’t think he’s doing it right...” 

“What the fuck???” Ranpo asked, hanging up and leaving the ADA. 

Then Yosano, who happened to over hear the conversation, grabbed Dazai and followed Ranpo. “Hold on!! I’ll drive you.” She yelled after him. 

“Vroom vroom...” Dazai murmured. 

“We need to hurry. He has my snacks from the gas station.” Ranpo stated, reviving a nod from Yosano. 

*** 

“Where are we Ryuk?” Light asked, looking around cautiously. 

“The fuck if I know.” Ryuk replied, looking ahead at a figure laying inches away from a stopped car. “Look at that poor sucker.” 

Light turned and raised an eyebrow. 

“Kira.” A voice behind him called out.

“Yes?” He asked, turning to see L.

“I fucking knew it.” L stated, narrowing his eyes. 

“What no,, that was an accident.” Light laughed awkwardly, shaking his head. “Let’s go help those poor pedestrians over there.” 

“Sure 🤨.” L stated, still unsure where they were. 

*** 

As everyone arrived at the crime scene Poe was reciting (which in turn sounded more like mumbling) his last will to Karl, who was busy eating the crumbled food from the side of the road. 

“OH MY GOD...” Ranpo cried, seeing the snacks. While Yosano healed Poe he ran over to the raccoon and started shaking him vicariously. 

“God...” Dazai, who was climbing a tree at this point, murmured, pointing to Ryuk. 

“Shut the fuck up Dazai this is serious.” Kunikida yelled, channeling his inner republican. 

“Can he see me?” Ryuk asked, a smile etching his super hot face. 

“Nonsense. We all know how this works.” Light replied approaching the crowd. 

Kenji was starting awkwardly at the ground, still covered in sewer water. L walked up to him. 

“Sewer...” he muttered, looking sick. 

“Yeah I fell in the sewer!!” Kenji stated, shaking and getting sewer water all over L.

L, in turn, threw up all over Kenji. 

Meanwhile, there was a rustling sound from the bushes and Kunikida walked forward to investigate. In turn he found Akutagawa and Atsushi making out in their fursuits. “DISGUSTING!!! GOD HATES GAYS!!” He yelled, passing out. 

“God!!” Dazai spoke louder, still pointing to the same area. The only difference was that Ryuk had moved next to him. 

“Holy shit—“ Ryuk stated, his eyes widening. 

“It is eye.” A booming voice spoke. 

“AM I DEAD?!” Poe asked, eyes widening. 

“Fear not humans, for I have come to stop this treachery.” God stated, throwing it back. 

Then it struck Yosano that God was in fact, Nicki Minaj. “If you’re god... then who’s Jesus?!” She asked.

“It’s snoop dog, Chile.” God replied. 

Then God started eating everyone one by one. 

Starting with Ryuk, then Yosano, Akutagawa, Atsushi, Karl, Ranpo, L, Kenji, and then Kunikida. 

Dazai was the only one left. 

“It’s YOU.” God stated. Dazai only trembled in return. “I have read so many character analysis of you on tumbler!! And Twitter hates you!!” God stated, fangurling over Dazai. 

“Thank you?” Dazai said, the affects of his mushrooms beginning to wear off. “You’re welcoming while.” 

***

Then Dazai opened his eyes and looked around. He was lying on an agency couch. He grumbled as he noticed the empty bag of mushrooms next to him.


End file.
